Control

My toxic trait is the unsavory need for me to be in control of things at all time. I am constantly organizing my life in an attempt to make everything go as planned. Here is when I learned that life has its own agenda and no matter what I do, it's nothing close to my game plan.

Over summer I broke up with someone whom I had been with for about a year at the time. I was doing dishes at my house and he was sitting on my couch scrolling on his phone. As I was scrubbing these plates over my kitchen sink, I immediately felt the need to vomit. I know that sounds odd, but that was the most intense gut feeling I had ever experienced. I turned around and told him we needed to talk. At that very moment I had no idea what I was going to say but I felt so possessed by this unconscious instinct. I sat him down and said we weren’t working and that I needed to be alone and we cried and he left and I never saw him again.

Nothing was severly wrong with the relationship. We just disagreed and there were things I didn’t like about him. I had assumed that making compromises was part of a relationship, but in reality, I was compromising a lot, including important parts of myself. I think we also had very different lives, but I put that aside because I wanted to be wanted. Also, there is this notion that the longer you are with someone, the harder it is to end things. People, this is not true.

I learned this. No matter how much you think you love someone, you cannot change them. You can try to do everything in the world to make it work but there are people that just aren’t meant to be together. This is all out of your control. That was hard to accept, especially for someone like me who thinks they know everything about everything (which I do). I feel resentment for how long it took me to just let the Universe take care of it rather than me beating a dead horse.

I spent the next couple months really evaluating myself. This was hard because I had felt upset that an era (that I thought I had control on) had ended, especially so unexpectedly. When he would text me once a week “I miss you Claire” that would backtrack me. After a month, I was over it. I think I had a such a  speedy recovery because the relationship had been over months even before I ended it. However, I was just so set on something that was so unhealthy because I wanted to have the power. So thank you Universe for that nausea at the kitchen sink.

Looking back, it’s hard to believe I was with someone who made me feel so bland. I sacrificed my own character to make it work all while losing myself in the process. I am glad to have found myself again. I tell myself I’m never doing this again and I will be a bachelorette forever. Here’s the thing, no matter what I tell myself, I actually have zero control over it. Whether I want to make a toxic relationship work or whether I want to be alone, the universe has its own plans that I don’t have a say in. Don’t fabricate love for the sake of possessing authority.

None of this even matters. I don’t have control over any aspect of life. This is just me talking. I’m currently with someone new that genuinely makes me feel alive (no, not part of the plan), so I’m glad everything else happened for me to be here.